


is it still wrong if it never felt right

by tigerlo



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, Like really angsty, there's also alot of sex, this is angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-03 07:33:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8703331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerlo/pseuds/tigerlo
Summary: Erin and Jillian start sleeping together after they save the world, but it feels like they're on borrowed time from the start.orThe one where Erin and Jillian both have problems and love each other from the beginning, but it takes them almost destroying each other to work that out.





	1. a beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Beautiful readers,
> 
> I had this idea to write something that was, if possible, more angsty than the other jillian/erin stuff I've written, and I think I've succeeded....
> 
> I was originally going to post this in one go but it just kept getting longer and longer, and I decided it might read better if it was broken up, so here's part one.
> 
> I also wanted to pre-fix this with a little note that I think their behaviour in this is really at the limit of their characters, but I think it just scrapes in as still being true to them, so hopefully you agree. Also, with the other stuff I've written, the choice to use Holtzmann's first name is a very conscious one, but only because it's Erin, and I think she's a different person to Erin than she is to anyone else.
> 
> Anywho, enough from me. On with the show...

-

 

 

It doesn't take them long to finally sleep together in the end.

 

Really, they're both surprised either of them had the self-control to hold out as long as they had.

 

 

-

 

 

The first time they have sex is a complete accident and total disaster, all at once.

 

It's a few months after they save the world, and they're all piled into a booth at their local bar after a particularly nasty bust.

 

It's ludicrously hot so they're all drenched in sweat and grumpy as hell, covered in cuts and bruises, some much worse than others.

 

They've all rolled their coveralls down to their waists in an attempt to cool down, and are all in varying states of undress beneath them.

 

Abby in a black tee, Erin in a tatty old Columbia top riddled with holes, Patty, unapologetically in a bright purple push-up, and Holtz in a grey sports bra.

 

Erin and Jillian are sandwiched between Patty and Abby in the tiny booth, and they're all taking stock of their various injuries.

 

Holtz tries to seal a cut on her forearm closed with superglue as Erin checks out a particularly nasty looking wound on her leg.

 

The ghost had torn right through the material of her jumpsuit, leaving a deep laceration in her upper thigh.

 

It had been ok during the fight, but now Erin can't seem to get it to stop bleeding.

 

Patty looks over and winces.

 

“Baby, I think we need to get you to a hospital. That does _not_ look good.”

 

The thought of having to go anywhere near that god-awful sterile hellhole makes Erin clam up immediately and she shakes her head, instantly dismissing Patty’s suggestion.

 

“Uh-uh. I'm not going to a hospital.”

 

She knows Abby's more than familiar with her negative experiences of places like that, enough that she doesn't immediately push, even though her face is wrought with concern.

 

“I don't think that's going to stop on it's own Erin, I think that needs some serious medical attention.”

 

Abby does join in then, watching as the blood continues to soak through her pants.

 

“I know you hate them Er, but I think Patty might be right. We'll all come with you, I promise we won't leave you alone.”

 

“I'm not going,” she says stubbornly, gritting her teeth as her pulse starts thundering in the wound.

 

Holtzmann is quiet next to her, and Erin had thought she was too busy seeing to her own injuries and not paying attention, but when she turns her head she catches Jillian looking just as concerned as the others.

 

“Can I have a look at it?” Jillian asks suddenly, surprisingly.

 

“I'm not a MD obviously, but Doctor Gorin made me take a few advanced first-aid and paramedic courses after I started working underneath her. If it's not too bad, I might be able to stitch it closed back home.”

 

Erin looks to Abby and Patty for some sort of confirmation of Holtz’s expertise, but they both just give her a look of puzzlement before shrugging.

 

“You're not playing, are you boo? Because this is not the time to play Doctor unless you know what you're doing,” Patty says warningly.

 

Jillian looks genuinely taken aback for a moment, as if she was horrified Patty would ever insinuate that she would put Erin in any kind of danger. Outside of their regular radioactive workspace, that is.

 

“I don't have to,” Holtz says quietly to her. “I mean, I understand if you want to see someone else. I just thought if you really don't want to go to the emergency room, I might be able to save you a trip.”

 

When Jillian speaks, she speaks directly to Erin, and Erin's world is reduced to the simple sincerity of her offer, and nothing else.

 

“If you're sure….I really don't want to have to go….” Erin says, trailing off.

 

“I'm with you Er-bear, never liked the places either. What say I take you home and sort this out, and these two ladies stay here and save us a drink for later?”

 

Abby's still watching Holtz with a mildly concerned look on her face, but it softens as Erin watches her track Jillian's gaze where it's fixed unwaveringly on herself.

 

“I might need you to carry me to the car,” Erin says sniffing slightly, the pain and fatigue starting to set in.

 

Holtzmann just smiles brightly and loops her arm underneath Erin's, throwing Erin’s arm over her shoulder so she can lean heavily on the smaller woman as they head out to the hearse.

 

They never make it back to the bar.

 

 

-

 

 

Holtz has them home and Erin propped up on the kitchen bench in no time.

 

She disappears for a few minutes and comes back with a complex looking first-aid kit, eyeing Erin's overalls problematically as she comes up beside Erin's good knee.

 

“We might need to get you out of those if you don't mind babe, I don't want to risk bumping the stitches once they're done.”

 

Erin just winces and hops off the bench, landing heavily on her good leg, grabbing Jillian's shoulder for balance when she falters.

 

“I can make an inappropriate joke about getting into your pants if that'll help distract you?” Holtz says, cocking an eyebrow as her hand closes around Erin's hip, steadying her.

 

It's enough to make her puff out something between a laugh and a sob, but the way Jillian smiles back gets an genuine grin out of her.

 

“Atta-girl,” Holtz says easily. “Now, pants off.”

 

Erin's hands close fully over Jillian's shoulders as Holtz drops to her knees, gently undoing the tie, sliding the now heavily blood-soaked overalls fully down Erin's legs.

 

It could just be the pain and exhaustion, but Erin can swear she sees Jillian lick her lips as she rises slowly up from the floor, her eyes never leaving Erin's bare legs.

 

She closes her eyes for a second though, and when she opens them Jillian's standing next to her, perfectly innocently, waiting to help her back up onto the bench.

 

Jillian's palms are slightly calloused, but her fingers are surprisingly soft against Erin's leg as her thumbs sweep either side of the wound carefully.

 

“I think you'll be fine with a couple of stitches here as long we’re careful with it over the next few days,” Holtz says gently, turning back to look in the bag for something.

 

Left alone for a moment, Erin starts to tense, her heart pounding in anticipation of the pain to come.

 

Holtzmann's face falls slightly when she turns back to Erin, immediately taking stock of her distress.

 

“Hey, what's up?” she says quickly but calmly, picking up Erin's wrists to find her pulse. “Are you feeling faint? You don't need to speak, just nod.”

 

Erin shakes her head and bites her lip, eyes filling with tears.

 

“Does it hurt?”

 

_A nod._

 

“Are you scared this is going to hurt more?”

_Another nod._

 

“Hey, Er just listen to my voice for a sec ok? You don't have to look at me. I've got something that will take all the pain away. It'll just be one tiny pinch, ok?”

 

She shakes her head, not willing to lose her mind to painkillers.

 

Holtzmann must almost read her mind, because her next words are carefully chosen and very soft.

 

“You'll still feel just like you, ok? I promise it won't make your head go anywhere. It's just going to help with the pain. I wouldn't give you anything like that without asking, alight?”

 

Erin's still for a second, trying to focus on the soft anchor of Holtz’s fingers on her wrists.

 

After a few moments she nods, one stray tear disappearing out of the corner of her eye with the movement of her head.

 

“Excellent,” Holtz says, smiling softly. “Ok good-looking, just close your eyes for a few seconds and concentrate on something else. Tell me what colour my eyes are, hmmm? This will be over in a tic.”

 

Erin does as she's told, eyes fluttering shut as she tries to picture the exact shade of Jillian's eyes.

 

“They're blue, really light blue, like a big ice crystal. But sometimes they're grey too.”

 

She feels a tiny scratch on her leg before the relief of the anaesthetic starts to wash over her.

 

She takes a deep breath, pries her clenched fingers off the edge of the bench, and runs her nails along the top of her bare thighs.

 

Jillian moves to stand between her legs then, opening a packet of gauze and saline solution to clean the wound.

 

“Excellent choice of underwear by the way Gilbert, never would have pegged you for a black lace kind of girl.” She gestures to the damp swab. “May I?”

 

Erin nods, muscles starting to ease as the pain recedes further, and her mind begins to un-fog.

 

“It's all part of my master plan,” she says shakily, trying at humour.

 

“Care to share?” Holtz asks, not looking up from the neat job she's started in weaving Erin's skin together.

 

“Maybe this was all just a plan to get you here alone with me, half-naked. Ghosts, injury and all.”

 

“I could have saved you a whole lot of time and pain if that was the aim, babe.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“If you wanted me to get you out of your pants, all you had to do was ask.”

 

She looks down at Jillian, expecting to see a joking smile on her face, but the look she's greeted with is nothing short of _hungry_.

 

She looks from Jillian's hot gaze down to her leg, shocked to see it perfectly sutured closed with a breathable plastic skin sheet covering it.

 

She looks back to Jillian, still standing between her legs but with her hands away from Erin, palms up in a show of submission.

 

Erin's pulse is pounding through her body again, only this time she can feel it singe through each of her veins like fire.

 

“Are you serious?”

 

“Do you really have to ask?” Jillian says slowly, face searching Erin's for any clue she can find.

 

Erin knows it's an absolutely terrible idea, even before her hands move to grab the straps of Jillian's bralet.

 

Scientifically, she knows that a surge of lust is almost textbook after any kind of mid to serious trauma, but the world narrows to the small tense space around them, and Erin is crashing their lips together before she can say ‘we shouldn't be doing this.’

 

Jillian doesn't waste any time the second Erin moves towards her. She slides her hands from Erin's waist, round to her ass and tugs, pulling their hips flush together.

 

To hell it is then.

 

 

-

 

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Have you done this before?”

 

“No.”

 

“Do you want me to….?”

 

“Shut up Jillian, I'll ask you if I need help.”

 

“We should move, what if the others come home?”

 

“No. Stay here. If you make me wait any longer I might scream.”

 

**“Promise?”**

 

-

 

 

They don't make it off the kitchen bench.

 

It's desperate and hot and edged with something neither of them can put their finger on.

 

Jillian drops to her knees between Erin's legs and lathes torturously long lines across skin that is dangerously hot and aching to be touched.

 

Holtz pushes into her with quick fingers so _hard_ it makes Erin completely loose the breath she's trying to gasp in.

 

It's not gentle or sweet or _any_ of the things Erin had imagined her first time with Holtz might be like, but Erin doesn't think she's ever been so turned on in her entire life.

 

She comes wickedly hard, slamming her head against the stainless steel of the bench top, her vision going blurry at the edges as Holtz moves firmly against her, swallowing her moans with a deep kiss.

 

 

-

 

 

When the shock of her orgasm starts to fade and she catches her breath, she takes stock of Jillian still between her thighs.

 

She misses it at first, but as soon as she notices it she can't look away. Her eyes follows Holtz’s hand as it trails down between their joint bodies, and under the waistband of her own underwear.

 

“God, could you really not wait?” Erin asks, biting her lip as she watches the erratic movement of Jillian's wrist.

 

“If you had any idea how much that little performance turned me on, you wouldn't be asking that.”

 

“Get up here,” Erin says, pushing Jillian's overalls off her shoulders as she pulls Jillian up into her lap to straddle her on the bench.

 

“Patty’s going to kick my ass if she ever finds out we did it on the bench,” Holtz laughs as Erin's hands settle on her hips, pulling her closer.

 

“I won't tell if you won't?” Erin says as her teeth close around Jillian's neck.

 

“Little miss tweed-suits is a _biter_ , who knew?” Holtz says teasing, as Erin's hands settle uncertainty on the top of her plain black cotton underwear.

 

“There's a lot you don't know about me.”

 

“God, I hope so. Put your money where your mouth is Gilbert, and show me.”

 

 

-

 

 

So she does.

 

 

-

 

 

Jillian is much softer than she was anticipating, more pliant and quieter than Erin had imagined.

 

She's not loud, her moans are gasps, and she arches her body readily against Erin's when she starts to touch her.

 

She almost jumps out of her skin when Erin pushes into her with two fingers, grasping at Erin's wrist to still her as she gets used to the stretch.

 

Erin stills immediately, and makes to remove her hand before Jillian stops her.

 

“Don't move, it's _so_ fucking good, I just wasn't ready.”

 

Erin winds her hands in blonde hair, pulling their mouths together as she presses a hard apology to Jillian's lips before dropping one hand to squeeze roughly at her breast.

 

“Sorry, I thought….”

 

“Park the apology and kiss it better, hmmm? I can take it. If I can still feel your fingers tomorrow you'll know you did a good job.”

 

Erin smiles wickedly as she closes her mouth against soft skin again, sucking roughly, drawing blood to the surface as Jillian pushes down onto her fingers, drawing her further in.

 

“Well in that case, I'd better get to work then.”

 

 

-

 

 

They almost tear each other to pieces, littering bruises and scratches on top of the ones sustained earlier in the day.

 

If Jillian's neck is anything to do by, they'll both be wearing skivvies for days.

 

The positive is that Erin's leg is the last thing on her mind as she nurses the nail marks over her back in the mirror later on that evening.

 

She can still feel Jillian's hands all over her body. They've only been apart for a few hours but it's already too long, and before she knows what she’s doing she’s dialing Holtzmann’s number.

 

She doesn’t even give Jillian a chance to speak when she picks up.

 

“What are you doing?”

 

“Nothing. Thinking about you. Wishing I was still doing you.”

 

“Come over.”

 

“Now?”

 

“I’ll leave the door unlocked. You know where my bedroom is, right?”

 

 

-

 

 

It’s just physical, they both agree in the very beginning.

 

No feelings.

 

No attachments.

 

Nothing.

 

It’s easier this way. _Simpler_.

 

And at the start, it really is easy enough for them both to believe this.

 

 

-

 

 

Once they open the floodgates, they can barely keep their hands off each other.

 

Jillian’s hands slip between Erin’s thighs under the table while they’re at their bar, underneath the dining table when they sit around playing board games, beneath the blanket when they're all curled up together watching a movie.

 

Most of the time Erin swats her hand away, scowling at Jillian while the other woman maintains an air of absolute nonchalance, only to pull Holtz to her as soon as Patty and Abby are out of sight.

 

 

-

 

 

Nowhere is out of bounds.

 

They come crashing together everywhere; in the lab on top of Erin's desk, in the showers, in the back of the car, anywhere they think they might have more than a few minutes privacy.

 

Once Holtzmann even pushes Erin up against the concrete railing on the roof and slips her hand down her pants, brings her to a rough climax with her teeth in the bridge of Erin's shoulder as the lights of the evening around them act as witnesses.

 

They're reckless and desperate and push each other to the edges of their limits, both mentally and physically.

 

It's destructive and **hot** and sometimes it's so good it makes Erin want to claw her nails down the wall like a panther, because screaming just doesn't seem _enough_.

 

 

-

 

 

“Jesus Erin, how many buttons does this fucking top have?”

 

“Too many. Just rip it. We can buy another one.”

 

 

-

 

 

Sometimes she feels like the Persephone to Jillian's Hades.

 

Like when they're together it feels like they're in their own world, a mirror of this one but different. Darker somehow. And they’re the only ones there.

 

Maybe it's because the Erin that falls into bed with Jillian isn't the Erin she's known herself to be her whole life. The Erin who taught at Columbia would never pull her colleague into a closet during a bust and take her to pieces with her tongue. This Erin is different. Compromised maybe.

 

Most of the time she feels like this place is her home, and when her body is intertwined with Jillian's it feels _so_ good.

 

**Too** good.

 

Like there's a price she's paying for this, only she doesn't know what it is yet.

 

The other thing, the thing she can't put her finger on fully, is that _this_ , their world together, she can leave it, at least temporarily. But she knows Jillian can't.

 

This domain, it's hers, and Erin's only a visitor.

 

 

-

 

 

“What are you….oh _god_.”

 

“Ssshhhh, the others will hear you.”

 

_A gasp._

 

“Ho….how can you not expect me to make any noise when you've got three fingers inside of me, _Jillian_.”

 

“Try. Bite me if you have to. Because I'm not going to stop, and you can’t make a sound.”

 

 

-

 

 

“No more teasing, Er, I can't take it.”

 

“Yes, you can. You know you'll take anything I want to do to you.”

 

“ _God_ , I love it when you're bossy.”

 

 

-

 

 

Sometimes, Erin's not sure Jillian even likes her. Apart from the increased physical contact between the two of them, nothing else changes.

 

She still flirts with everything that moves and treats Erin exactly the same as she had before all this begun.

 

Sometimes though, she catches Holtz looking at her with this bottomless sense of intensity, like Erin alone handcrafted existence, but she never says anything so Erin doesn't either.

 

She's not sure why Jillian's silence and nonchalance hurts so much, but she doesn't want to say anything. She won't risk Jillian putting an end to this.

 

She'll just burn instead.

 

 

-

 

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“I mean it's been a while but yeah, I'm sure.”

 

“And you're sure you want me to….?”

 

“ **Yes** , Erin. I'm sure.”

 

“I don't know what to do.”

 

“It's easy. Just wait till I'm ready, and then go for it. Your hips will find a rhythm once we start.”

 

“Won't it hurt?”

 

“Just go slow, I'll be fine.”

 

“Do you trust me?”

 

“You know I do. I've never let anyone else….get on that end before.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Really. Now, come on Gilbert. Show me what I've been missing.”

 

 

-

 

 

“ _Jesus_ Jill, I think you're wet enough. Are you ready?”

 

“Yeah, just go slow, ok?”

 

“Is this….?”

 

_Sharp intake of breath._

 

“ _Ohhh…_.fuck.”

 

“Do you want me to stop?”

 

“Never.”

 

 

-

 

 

And it's not that what they're doing is wrong, exactly. They just know it isn't right.

 

Because in any other reality, people who look at each other like she and Jillian do, would have fallen madly in love within the first ten minutes of meeting.

 

And people that can push like they do, to the point of destruction but without breaking, could be nothing less than soul mates.

 

But in this iteration of the universe, things are different.

 

They _take_ and _take_ and _take_ , and some nights Erin wonders how much more of this they'll both be able to bear before they begin to break.

 

 

-

 

 

They make it six weeks before things start to show signs of stress at the seams.

 

 

-

 


	2. a middle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, you guys are beautiful and amazing and I don't know how to say thank you enough for all the feedback. You've made me an unbelievably grateful pumpkin.
> 
> I hope that you enjoy this next piece :)

-

 

 

They get invited to a formal dinner with the Mayor and some other high and mighty city officials.

 

It's actually a bit of a treat, and they all get swept up in the anticipation of getting dressed up and going out together.

 

They set aside the day of the event to get ready, and the firehouse becomes a hub of activity with Patty organising a few friends to come and help them.

 

It's actually a real treat to be pampered for once, and it's been years since Erin had something like this to go to that wasn't some boring academic dinner where she had to pretend to be thicker than her male colleagues to make sure they didn't feel threatened.

 

Abby and Patty are upstairs putting the final touches on their outfits with Patty’s friends, while Erin's down on the main floor having her make-up done.

 

The only thing she's actually a little concerned about is Jillian.

 

They haven't seen her since this morning when she disappeared after breakfast, an excuse about having some errands to run before tonight falling from her lips as she had run out the door.

 

And it's not that Erin's embarrassed about her exactly, it's just that Jillian's not one to adhere to social convention, and tonight is a really god opportunity for the four of them to make some contacts within the higher levels of New York society, and maybe even secure some extra funding, and Erin's worried that Jillian's larger than life personality and dress sense might just be a bit too much for some of the wealthy conservatives to take.

 

She tries not to worry too much though, just hopes she has the opportunity to veto Jillian's outfit before they leave.

 

The day passes and the late afternoon creeps up on them, and she, Abby and Patty find themselves sitting around the dining table having a few drinks before the cars are due to arrive to pick them up.

 

There's still no sign of Holtzmann and Erin's starting to worry.

 

“Have either of you heard from Holtz today?” Erin asks casually.

 

“Yeah,” Patty says calmly. “I text her before and she said she was just gonna meet us there. Something about a surprise for someone? I don't know….girl’s crazy. Anyway, she's on track so I guess we'll see her soon.”

 

Erin frowns at this, she had text Jillian herself a while ago and had yet to receive a reply.

 

She feels a twinge of jealousy settle in her stomach before her phone goes off on the table in front of her.

 

It's a text from Jillian, and she scoops it up quickly before the others get a chance to read it.

 

_4.50pm_

_Hey Gilbert, sorry I haven't gotten back to you, not ignoring you I promise. Been busy with something for someone. You'll see soon._

 

_4.51pm_

_P.s I bet you look edible. I can't wait to see you._

 

Erin smiles in spite of herself. She knows she's treading on dangerous territory here but she can't help it.

 

This is the first time Jillian's given her anything more than her usual nonchalant attitude towards anything, and she can't help the minuscule spark of hope growing in her chest.

 

Maybe this will be something, some sort of turning point for whatever _this_ is.

 

She sends a quick reply before taking a big sip of wine.

 

The night is young after all, and there are so many pieces of each other they have yet to test.

 

 

-

 

 

They arrive at the manor for dinner, and when she catches sight of herself in one of the long mirrors, Erin has to admit that she looks good, even by her own harsh standards.

 

The event is black tie, and while Patty and Abby had gone for more colourful evening gowns, Erin had gone for a simple cream Grecian number that Jennifer had sent from the Mayor’s office especially for her.

 

It's flowing and drapes over one shoulder beautifully, and it makes her feel surer of herself than she's felt in a long time.

 

Her hair is curled lightly and her makeup is perfect and dark, in contrast to her dress, courtesy of one of Patty’s friends.

 

They walk in together and for the first time since all this began, she feels in control.

 

They're lead over to their table and Erin looks for Holtzmann, the only piece out of place.

 

Erin’s eyes dart around the room, searching for anything slightly unusual; a jacket of a strange colour maybe, or the characteristic curl of blonde hair, but she can't see anything.

 

She turns back to the others when something out of the corner of her vision catches her attention.

 

A woman, a near stranger to Erin's eyes, walks through the door into the grand ballroom and Erin's jaw just about hits the floor.

 

It's Holtzmann. Except it's not.

 

Gone are the oil stained overalls and baggy leather jackets. In their place is a perfectly tailored, deep navy-blue suit.

 

The pants are cropped above her ankles and are skin-tight, and the jacket is similarly cut, double breasted but with gold buttons finishing at her diaphragm, exposing a near indecent plunging neckline. With nothing underneath it.

 

She's wearing heels, _god_ Erin didn't even know she could wear heels, and her hair is down and softly curled, not dissimilar to Erin's, and it's so long, falling to the line Erin imagines her breasts to be.

 

She's absolutely _breathtaking_ and it takes every bit of Erin's self control not to march across the room, take her by the hand, and pull her into the nearest bathroom.

 

She catches sight of Erin staring across the room and smiles, lips covered in deep red colour quirking into a smile as she makes her way over to their table.

 

Abby and Patty don't recognise her at first, both of them turning curiously before they realise who it is.

 

“Damn Holtzy, is that you? You ain't been possessed or something have you, because I didn't even know you could look that fine.”

 

“Ma Cherie,” Jillian says, kissing Patty’s hand dramatically.

 

Patty swats her away before Abby steps up to her.

 

“Jesus, if I knew you scrubbed up this good I would have started bringing you to fancy things years ago. Think of all the funding we could have secured.”

 

“No dealio, Abs. Special occasions only,” Holtz says, saluting Abby before turning to Erin finally.

 

Erin's still actually speechless, and it’s all she can do to try and keep herself from drooling.

 

“Miss Gilbert,” Holtz says breathily. “I believe you've outdone us all.”

 

Erin doesn't even know what to say, just stands still as Jillian picks her hand up like she had done Patty’s, but this time her lips linger on Erin's hand.

 

Abby and Patty roll their eyes next to them and move on to another group of people, leaving the two of them alone. Not that they notice.

 

Erin reaches out and picks up a loose curl where it's draped over Jillian's shoulder.

 

“You look….”

 

“Silly?”

 

“Beautiful. I had no idea it was this long.”

 

Holtz seems a bit taken aback at Erin's compliment, and Erin could swear the smallest flash of a blush crosses her cheeks before her hand sweeps a stray curl out of her eyes.

 

She's still struggling to comprehend all of this so she tries for an explanation.

 

“This….is for….?”

 

“The Mayor’s third cousin. Who do you think, dummy?”

 

“Me?”

 

“Got it in one.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Dunno. Thought it might be fun to play dress up. You've never seen me like this. You like?”

 

“I **love**.”

 

“Mission accomplished then.”

 

“How long do we have to be here for again?” Erin says hungrily.

 

“Just long enough not to tip the other half of our fabulous foursome off. Although you might have already achieved that with the open mouth.”

 

“I don't care.”

 

“Oh, well in that case, I think there's bound to be an excellent closet around here somewhere.”

 

“Lead the way.”

 

 

-

 

 

They find a small room with a lockable door somewhere on the fourth floor.

 

Erin's _hungry_ , maybe the most turned on she's ever been in her whole life, and that's saying something based on the last few weeks.

 

As aggressive as she wants to be though, a bigger part of her wants Jillian in her perfectly fitted suit to take control and fuck her senseless against the closest vertical surface.

 

Or horizontal, she’s not fussy.

 

Maybe it's because they've spent so much time together lately, or maybe it's proof of something much _much_ deeper Erin isn't ready to deal with just yet, but Jillian seems to know exactly what she wants.

 

There's nothing gentle about the way she pushes Erin hard up against the door as soon as they're through it.

 

Her mouth is on Erin's neck before she can so much as gasp, and she winds her hands in Jillian's hair, relishing the way she can spread her fingers and _tug_ without coming into contact with any pins.

 

Jillian's hands sweep poetically across her body as she pulls Erin closer. They brush up her arms and over her breasts, and Erin can feel Jillian's essence singing through every atom in her body.

 

Jillian kisses her way from Erin's neck up to her mouth, hands winding in Erin's hair now. Her mouth slides open against the blonde's as she feels her head being tipped back, Jillian's fingers twisting slightly to pull her hair.

 

It's always been good between them. Like really _really_ good, but this is something else entirely.

 

Erin's moans are loud and are probably resonating easily through these doors, but she's never cared less in her life.

 

Her fingers move easily to undo the buttons of Holtzmann's jacket and Erin’s hands close over her bare breasts, her thumb and forefinger pulling a nipple roughly between them.

 

Jillian pushes her tongue into Erin's mouth hotly one last time before she drops to her knees and trails her fingers softly, gently and in stark contrast to the rest of her movements so far, along the skin at the hem of Erin’s dress.

 

One of Erin's knees bends automatically towards Jillian and she takes the initiative, running her hand along Erin's calf, and then higher still, up the inside of her thigh.

 

She pauses for a second that feels like an eternity and she looks up at Erin, ever careful to ask for her permission, no matter their situation.

 

Erin gulps and nods, arching her hips towards the other woman, but Holtz still doesn't move straight away.

 

Instead, she's looking into Erin’s eyes like she’s seeing her for the first time, and it’s enough to stop Erin in her tracks.

 

“Er, I….”

 

She sees something flash behind Jillian’s eyes. Almost like she had something on the tip of her tongue, but caught it just in time.

 

“You know what, don’t worry about it.”

 

Erin's brow creases in concern, and she wants to ask what's wrong because nothing has ever stopped them before.

 

She wants to ask but at the same time she doesn't want to spook Holtz, so instead she just bites her lip and waits.

 

Jillian's looking up at her like there's a war being fought in her heart, but after another beat she shakes her head and her hand starts moving again.

 

“Come on, I want to peel you out of that dress and eat you alive.”

 

 

-

 

 

“Oh _god_ , how are you even doing that.”

 

“No, no don't stop. Go _deeper_.”

 

 

-

 

 

It's easily the best sex she's ever had in her life.

 

They miss half of the party, and there's absolutely no way to hide the evidence of what they've been doing when they head back in, so they don't even bother to drop each other's hands as they walk back to the table.

 

“You two are going to hell, you know that right?” Patty says, frowning but trying not to laugh.

 

“No sweeter way to go, Tolan,” Holtz says, her eyes not moving from Erin's lips for a moment.

 

“You owe me five bucks,” Erin hears Patty say in the background but it's just that, noise, because she can't tear her eyes off of Jillian, or the bruise on the top of one of her breasts, and it's in that moment that she realises she's utterly doomed.

 

 

-

 

 

Things feel different from then on, hungrier, and more desperate somehow.

 

Like they know they've only got so much time left, and the clock’s just started counting down.

 

 

-

 

 

The sex only gets better too.

 

Erin can feel Jillian putting the entirety of her being into it now, throwing her body and her mind and her soul at Erin's feet, and she does the same in return.

 

Every time Jillian makes her come she feels like a new universe is being created behind her eyes.

 

Jillian pushes her further than she ever felt possible, goes deeper, actually makes her scream so loud the neighbours call the police twice in one weekend.

 

She knows they should talk about whatever _this_ is now, because it's not what it was when they started.

 

It's richer, it resonates in the _truest_ part of her, and although she doesn't want to name it, in the quiet of her heart she thinks it's love.

 

But she's scared.

 

Erin knows Holtzmann isn't exactly the poster-child for commitment, and she'd rather have _this_ Jillian than none at all.

 

So she puts it off and puts it off until the universe starts the conversation for them.

 

 

-

 

 

It's been a long shitty week, and they all decide to head out for a drink on Friday after they finish an annoyingly tricky bust.

 

Erin's sitting at a table with Patty and Abby while Holtz waits at the bar for their drinks.

 

Erin watches as the bartender, a pretty blonde about Holtzmann's age, comes back with their beers, her eyes twinkling at Jillian as she tries to slide her number discretely across the bar.

 

It doesn't go well if the snort from Patty is anything to go by, but Jillian, ever the gentlewoman, picks the card deftly up and gives her a wink as she walks back to their table.

 

This is nothing new. Holtz gets hit on constantly, but for some reason, the fact that she didn't just leave the card on the bar when Erin was quite clearly watching the scene unfold gets under her skin.

 

“Another heart broken, huh?” Patty teases as Jillian comes back with their drinks.

 

They haven't actually come out and straight up told the other two about whatever this is, but after they incident at the Mayor’s dinner they've just gone along with it.

 

Holtz just smiles as she slips the card into her pocket and slides next to Erin, her hand brushing Erin's under the table.

 

She knows she's got no right to get mad, because they haven't given this a label, but she just feels slightly betrayed and she can't stop herself turning to Jillian with a scowl.

 

“Bathroom?”

 

Holtz frowns slightly. She looks absolutely exhausted, probably came off worst out of all of them today, but she's never said no to Erin before, and apparently isn't about to start now.

 

“Sure. My lipstick could use a refresh,” she jokes, winking at Patty and Abby as she moves to get up again.

 

Erin waits until they're out of earshot before she turns to Holtz, wringing her hands together.

 

Now that they're alone she's not actually sure what she wants to say, suddenly feeling stupid for dragging them away.

 

But then she watches as Jillian's fingers turn in her pocket and Erin can imagine them twisting around that girl’s card, and then that girl's waist, and something in her snaps.

 

“What was that about?”

 

“What was what about?” Holtz asks frowning.

 

“The girl. At the bar. You took her number.”

 

“What was I going to do, not take it?”

 

“Maybe. For a start?”

 

“I didn't want to be rude. It's embarrassing when you put yourself out there and get shot down. Trust me, I know. This way’s easier. I take it, and lose it, and we all go home happy.”

 

“So you're not going to call her?”

 

Erin watches as the moment of realisation hits Holtz and she can see Jillian's hands turn to fists, like they do when she's nervous.

 

“Ahhhhhh. So that's what this is about.”

 

“What's that supposed to mean?”

 

“You're jealous.”

 

“I am not,” Erin scoffs.

 

“Hey,” Holtz says, her voice softening. “If you want this to be exclusive then I'm all in Er, but you've got to give me _something_ to go on, because you're kinda not giving me anything.”

 

That stops Erin dead.

 

She wasn't expecting Jillian to suggest something like that so easily, had expected her to raise her defences and shut Erin out cold.

 

“I uh….” Erin says uneasily. “I didn't think….I….”

 

“Isn't that what you want?” Jillian says confused.

 

“I don't know, is it what _you_ want?”

 

“Well yeah, I wouldn't have asked otherwise.”

 

Erin looks at Jillian whose expression changes from hopeful to hesitant in a second, and when she opens her mouth to speak Erin can hear a tremble in her voice.

 

“Look, if this is going to make things too messy maybe we should stop for a while. Give you time to figure out what you want.”

 

Erin watches Jillian's face, and she's expecting to see nonchalance or neutrality, but instead all she sees is _hurt_.

 

She wants to say something, anything that will turn the clock back and ease the pain etched in Jillian's face, but she just freezes.

 

Jillian takes her hesitation as confirmation and she turns away quickly, but not before Erin sees her eyes glistening heavily.

 

“I uh…don't really feel in a drinky mood anymore. I think I'm just gonna head out. Let the others know?”

 

“Jillian wait….”

 

“It's fine Erin, really. I knew what this was, I shouldn't have assumed more.”

 

“It's not….”

 

“You don't need to justify yourself, I'm a big girl. Just….let me know when you figure it out. Either way.”

 

Erin reaches out for Jillian's arm as she walks past her on the way towards the door but she shrugs Erin off, smiles sadly, and before Erin can stop her, she's gone.

 

 

-

 

 

Abby and Patty don't look surprised when she comes back to the table alone.

 

Neither of them say anything, and they all leave not long after, the mood well and truly shot to pieces.

 

They head back to the firehouse together where all four of them have more or less moved in, and the other two head to their rooms with a quick goodnight.

 

Erin's the only one who hasn't sublet her apartment yet. She's been meaning to for weeks now, especially since this thing with Holtz started, but for some reason she never found the time to.

 

Part of her wants to think it's because it's always good to have a back up in case any of them ever need more room, but the truer part of her knows it's because she's never not had an escape plan.

 

As much as she wanted to think everything was going to work out fine with Abby, she always had a small quiet voice in the back of her mind telling her to be cautious, that some things don't work out.

 

And some things aren't meant to be.

 

She considers heading back there for the night, but she knows how that'll look in the morning so instead she heads for the kitchen, dragging a half-empty bottle of whisky out from under the bench.

 

She pours herself a glass and sips slowly as her fingers run across the part of the bench she'd been sitting on when she and Jillian first kissed.

 

The stupidest thing about all of this is that she knows exactly what she wants. She wants to march upstairs, take Jillian by the hand, and never let go.

 

She wants to tell her that she _doesn't_ want anyone else, _hasn't_ wanted anyone else since the moment they first met, and _won't_ want anyone else for as long as she lives.

 

But she can't.

 

There's a ball of lead sitting in her stomach, feeding her insecurities and whispering to her all the dark hollow things she's ever been afraid of.

 

That she's not good enough.

 

That no one will ever love _all_ of her.

 

That she's crazy.

 

She doesn't want to fuck this up, fuck Jillian up, the same way she's consistently fucked up every single relationship she's ever had.

 

She can't do that to Jillian.

 

She won't.

 

She refills the glass twice as the voices run through her heart and as she drains the glass one last time she loses it, slams the glass down on the hard surface beneath it in an attempt to make them stop, and it shatters beneath her fingers.

 

She's too numb to feel much pain, but the sight of the blood and the weight on her chest is just too much, and before she knows it she's crying and trying to pick the broken shards up with her bare hands, cutting herself more.

 

She's about to collapse on the floor when she feels soft warm hands close over her shoulders, turning her around.

 

It's Jillian.

 

Of course it's Jillian.

 

She's standing in front of Erin in her underwear and one of Erin's old tees. Her hair is loose around her face, and Erin doesn't think she's ever looked more beautiful.

 

Her eyes are slightly red and Erin can tell she's been crying, but when she speaks her voice is low and calm.

 

“You're ok, Er. I've got you.”

 

She moves quickly and quietly, taking Erin over to the sink where she carefully removes any small fragments under the running cold water.

 

Most of the cuts are minor, but there's one large one in the centre of Erin's palm that needs binding of some kind to close it.

 

Holtz moves around her, clearing away the glass before she pulls the first aid kit out.

 

“We've gotta stop meeting like this, huh?”

 

Erin winces as Jillian cleans out the cut one last time, closing it with a couple of butterfly stitches before she lifts Erin's palm to her mouth and places a soft kiss to the injury.

 

“All better?”

 

Erin doesn't say anything, she doesn't know what to say.

 

Thank you maybe.

 

_Or I love you?_

 

Instead she gives in, tries to let her body tell her story, and she pulls Jillian to her with her good hand, winding the injured one around Jillian's waist.

 

Jillian hesitates at first, her body still under Erin's touch, before something in her breaks and she pushes back.

 

When Jillian’s hands close around Erin's hip and her fingers run along her jaw, her touch is quiet, measured. Like she's trying to memorise _everything_.

 

It's soft and heavy and **desperate** and they pull too hard at each other, like they're afraid of being swept apart in the tide.

 

They draw away from each other, gasping and breathless, and Holtz looks at her with sad eyes, the blue a stormy grey in the low light of the kitchen.

 

It feels like they're on a precipice, the stones falling away beneath their feet when Erin sighs and utters the word that seals their fates.

 

“Upstairs.”

 

 

-

 

 

They make love.

 

There's no other word for it.

 

They're always in sync, one body pulling as the other pushes, but it's never been like this.

 

Erin feels like Jillian can read her mind, like she can anticipate exactly what she needs before her brain has even created the thought.

 

They don't speak at all, but their silence orates _volumes_ to the empty room.

 

Erin keeps the silence because something about this feels too final, and words will only break the spell they've created here to keep anything else at bay.

 

Their hands find each other at the same time and they urge each other towards a peak simultaneously, Erin's mouth closed over Jillian's breast as her fingers curve inside of her.

 

They _bend_ and **move** and for the first time in her life, Erin wishes she could float above their joint bodies and watch because this feels like a _symphony_.

 

They touch for hours but the aching never stops.

 

 

-

 

 

When Erin wakes, Jillian is gone.

 

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you all still with me? Let me know ;) 
> 
> I promise there's light at the end of this tunnel. 
> 
> I promise <3


	3. an end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are at the close...
> 
> I kind of had writers regret that I didn't just post this in one go after I split it out, so hopefully you've all enjoyed this just as much if it'd been one big fat story. Strip the chapters out and read it as the entire work with the last part if you like, the momentum might feel better.
> 
> Anyway, happy reading everyone, see you on the other side.

-

 

 

_When Erin wakes, Jillian is gone._

 

 

-

 

 

They don't speak for days.

 

 

-

 

 

Abby seeks her out at the end of the fourth.

 

“Are you going to tell me what's wrong?”

 

“No.”

 

“Are you going to fix it?”

 

“I don't know how.”

 

 

-

 

 

They move like the ghosts they're supposed to be hunting.

 

She and Jillian dance a beautiful dance around each other, never saying anything but every time Erin looks for her, she finds steely eyes staring right back.

 

 

-

 

 

It's broken, it's _all_ _broken_ and she knows she has the power to fix it but it all just hurts too much, and the only person she can talk to has already suffered enough.

 

So she bites her tongue, and holds her silence, and dies inside a little more with every day that passes.

 

 

-

 

 

“Alright,” Patty says at the end of the next week. “I've had enough of this. Y'all are acting like someone fucking _died_ and until someone fronts up and tells me what the hell is wrong, I'm putting my foot down. Go get dressed, we're all going to get drunk, alright?”

 

 

-

 

 

It's a terrible terrible idea, but Erin is _so tired_ of being sad, and if she can't change that, she'll settle for being numb instead.

 

 

-

 

 

Erin's up at the bar fetching her round while the others wait at the table.

 

She's handing her card over to the bartender when a clean-cut guy slides in beside her.

 

“Don't suppose I can buy those for you, can I?”

 

She turns to him, a genuine look of surprise and confusion written across her face when she opens her mouth to reply.

 

“Are you talking to me?”

 

“Don't see any other beautiful women around, do you?”

 

Erin has to admit he is good looking. Like, has just walked off a magazine page, good looking.

 

His cologne is sweet and somehow nostalgic, and she doesn't feel a _goddamn_ thing.

 

“Oh no, I couldn't let you. I'm just out with my friends, and we aren't really looking for company. Thank you though.”

 

Erin looks over his shoulder, back to the others and watches as Jillian's eyes flick from hers, down to her drink.

 

The guy shrugs easily and reaches into his pocket, pulling out a business card stamped with some fancy sort of luxury brand, and he tucks it into the pocket of Erin's shirt.

 

“Give me a call if you change your mind.”

 

He turns to leave and Erin's left slightly shell-shocked.

 

She never gets hit on. Ever.  Especially not by guys that look like _that_.

 

Old Erin would have stumbled over him, not even giving him a chance to leave before she called but this Erin, _Jillian's_ Erin, couldn't care less.

 

The realisation hits her like an electric shock to the chest and she looks up, eyes alight, searching for Jillian but she isn't there.

 

Patty anticipates her question and is answering it before Erin has the chance to ask.

 

“She's outside baby. She went to get some air.”

 

Erin’s gone the next second.

 

 

-

 

 

She catches sight of a shock of blonde hair as soon as she's out of the door.

 

She watches as a blonde, the waitress from the other night, hands Jillian a smoke. Their hands cup together as they attempt to light it against the wind.

 

Something in her belly twists painfully but she shuts it down, trying to restore neutrality to her face before she approaches them.

 

Erin watches as Jillian leans back against the wall of the bar, the tip of the cigarette glowing as she takes a long drag on it.

 

She has her eyes closed and Erin can hear the other girl trying to make conversation, but to her relief, Jillian doesn't seem to be paying attention.

 

It's dark out now, so they don't notice Erin until she's almost next to them.

 

“I didn't know you smoked?”

 

Holtz looks up, recognising Erin's voice immediately. She looks surprised to see her, but Erin watches as a veil falls down over her eyes like a shield.

 

“I don't. Old college habit,” Jillian replies, and her voice is colder than Erin's ever heard it before.

 

“Can we talk?”

 

“What are we doing now?”

 

“Alone, I mean.”

 

Jillian's companion pushes herself off the wall, brushing Jillian's arm with so much familiarity that Erin feels slightly sick.  

 

“Call me,” the girl says winking to Jillian before she walks inside, ignoring Erin.

 

“Where's your date?” Holtz asks coolly as she takes another drag.

 

This isn't her Jillian. _Her_ Jillian is warm and her eyes are always bright for Erin. _Always_.

 

For a moment Erin falters, Jillian's coldness settling in her bones.

 

How has she fucked this up so badly?

 

The smoke settles around them, thick but still lighter than the tension that's crackling roughly between their bodies.

 

Erin inhales deeply, letting the smoke settle in her lungs as she closes her eyes and curls her fist to stop it from reaching for Jillian.

 

“He's not my date Jill, I don't know who he is and I don't care, ok?”

 

“You seemed pretty friendly,” Holtz says shrugging.

 

Erin prickles at that, the insinuation curdling in her stomach, and her next words fall from her lips before she can stop them.

 

“Yeah, well you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?”

 

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“Oh, come off it Jillian. Who was _she_? A bible salesman?”

 

“What? If you don't want me, what's the harm in me talking to someone who does? You don't get to have it both ways, Erin. That's not how it works.”

 

“I never…. I never said I didn't want you,” Erin says slowly, her heart aching at the thought that Jillian had spent the last week under the illusion that Erin wasn't counting the _seconds_ since the last time they'd touched.

 

“Maybe you didn't say so in as many words, but you made it pretty clear you weren't interested.”

 

She desperately tries to organise her thoughts, to set Jillian straight, but Jillian doesn't give her a chance.

 

“You know what, **fine**. Have it your way. I don't know how anyone else is ever going to come even close to….”

 

Jillian drops her eyes to the ground, the loose curls falling to hide her face, and Erin can see a tear drop and stain the suede fabric of her shoes, the light from the street lamp above _just_ illuminating them.

 

“You don't want me to see anyone else, fine. I won't. It's not like I've ever been able to say no to you, why should I start now.”

 

She takes one last drag from the smoke before she stubs it out against the wall and turns to walk away.

 

“My heart’s yours Gilbert. Always has been. Do with it what you will, _I don't want it anymore_.”

 

This is **it,** this is everything Erin's ever wanted, being handed to her on a silver platter, and all she can do is stand there, like she's made of stone.

 

She watches as Jillian slows a few feet from her and Erin's heart thumps loudly in her chest, willing her to turn around and pull Erin to her.

 

To crash their lips together, and push her against the wall, and claim her with her hands and her teeth and her mouth once and for all.

 

But she doesn't. Of course she doesn't.

 

Because Jillian has never pushed Erin to do anything Erin didn't want to do.

 

Instead she pauses, gives Erin the chance to stop her, but she doesn't.

 

She can't because she has no idea how to fix a broken heart, not when her own is so damaged.

 

She hears a sob a few feet away as Jillian starts to leave, and Erin's heart breaks clean in half.

 

 

-

 

 

She hides.

 

She's a fucking coward, and she hides.

 

She goes back to her apartment and ignores the texts and calls, only sending one off to Abby to let her know she's actually alive and she'll see them in a few days.

 

Except she's not alive, not really.

 

Because how can one person be so _broken_ without **dying**.

 

She doesn't eat, she doesn't sleep, she just plays Jillian's last words over in her head again and again until she can barely remember her own name.

 

She writes a million letters in her heart, even gets as far as typing a few out on her phone but she doesn't hit send.

 

If she's broken Jillian _this_ much without even trying, how can she even consider trying to put things back together when she's seen a glimpse of the consequences if they fail.

 

She starts to make other plans, she can't stay with the others, not with the constant reminder of what she knows she's lost.

 

An ever-present, heart-breakingly beautiful _could have been_.

 

She knows Abby will be furious and that's the only thing that almost breaks her, almost makes her bend to try and patch things back together, but then she thinks of Jillian, and their broken hearts, and knows that she could never be that cruel.

 

 

-

 

 

When she does sleep, she dreams of them together.

 

They twist and turn beautifully together in her subconscious and never break. Not even for a second.

 

She wakes up with her hand between her legs and tears on her cheeks and pain in her chest, and she doesn't sleep again.

 

 

-

 

 

In her waking hours she tortures herself.

 

Can't stop playing through every variation of their last conversation, imagining how many thousand ways it _could_ have ended differently.

 

In every one they are happy.

 

Every one but this.

 

 

-

 

 

The evening of the fourth day after she goes into hiding, she hears a knocking at her door that doesn't stop.

 

She's actually surprised it's taken Abby this long to come.

 

A darker part of her had wondered if Abby had known she had already given up, and wanted to save herself the heart break a second time, instead leaving Erin alone to her fate.

 

She drags herself up off the floor, not bothering to check herself in the mirror.

 

She doesn't need to, she knows what she looks like.  

 

A broken heart in human skin.

 

She pulls the door open, apology ready on her lips, but it's not Abby.

 

Or Patty.

 

Or Kevin even.

 

It's Jillian.

 

Of course it's Jillian.

 

She's standing in Erin's doorway with a bunch of flowers looking like her heart's mirror.

 

Broken and bruised and only half of it’s whole.

 

She looks thin, thinner than usual, and there are deep bags under her eyes but she's still the most beautiful sight Erin's ever seen.

 

“I know you probably don't want me here but I had to know. For sure. If you were done. If we were done.”

 

Her eyes are glistening and they look _so_ silver today, it almost makes Erin's pulse stop.

 

She stubs her toe on the floor, her hands shaking around the brown paper of her flowers.

 

“Look I know what we said this was so I understand if you want me to drop it, but I couldn't live the rest of my life holding my breath. I fucked up Er, I fell in love with you. A long time ago.”

 

Erin watches as Jillian lets out a huge, shaking breath and swipes roughly at a stray tear.

 

“I told you before that my heart is yours. I think maybe it always has been. And I know this is asking too much, but can you just put me out of my misery? Please? Because I don't think I can take this anymore.”

 

Erin's not an idiot. She knows you don't get second chances, not in the real world, so before her brain can start to seep poison into her head, before she can do anything else, even breathe, she pulls Jillian to her.

 

Erin whispers against her lips, so quietly that even the atoms between them don't hear.

 

Because _this_ , it's just for Jillian.

 

It's only ever been for Jillian.

 

“I love you too.”

 

 

-

 

 

She wonders if this is what it felt like at the moment of creation.

 

One moment there is **black** , and the next, _light_.

 

Brilliant, blinding light.

 

A light that the most perfect diamond would be envious of. A light for all the stars to come to endeavour for.

 

This is what it feels like when Jillian's lips finally touch hers.

 

 

-

 

 

Her touch is unbreakable and soft at the same time.

 

Jillian runs her hands along Erin's arms, and her shoulders, and she feels the blood rise to the surface, following their path.

 

Their tears mix together as Jillian kisses the edge of her lips, the curve of her jaw, before dropping her teeth to pull desperately at the skin of her neck, bruises blossoming in her wake, and in an instant, Erin forgets what it was ever like to feel _alone_.

 

They whimper small poems against each other's skin and every word seals another crack of their hearts.

 

 

-

 

 

It's like before, the last time they were together, but this is different.

 

It's so much better.

 

Erin thought it wasn't possible, but by some ridiculous fucking miracle, the world has come full circle and the light from the beginning of time arcs between them, setting everything on fire in it’s wake.

 

 

-

 

 

They move like they have all the time in the world.

 

They strip each other bare at an achingly slow pace, and everything else falls away.

 

Their hands ghost over skin and around curves, and Erin's ribs strain against her skin as she sucks in desperate, shuddering breaths as Jillian finally slides inside her.

 

 

-

 

 

“Tell me what you want. Anything. I'll do anything.”

 

“You. I just want you.”

 

 

-

 

“ _Fuck_.”

 

“That's going to leave a mark.”

 

“Good. I want the world to know I'm **yours**.”

 

 

-

 

 

“ _Jesus_ , Jillian.”

 

“Do you want me to stop teasing?”

 

“No, but I want _more_..”

 

“I don't want to hurt you.”

 

“You won't. I can take it, _please_.”

 

 

-

 

 

“Close your eyes.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Can't you feel that? I don't need to see to know where you are or where I want to touch you.”

 

“ _Oh_.”

 

 

-

 

 

Erin loses count of the number of times she comes.

 

Alone.

 

And then with Jillian. Twice.

 

Under her mouth, and against her lips and around her fingers.

 

_Again_ and _again_ and _again_ , until the world ceases to exist outside of what they have constructed around each other.

 

 

-

 

 

Jillian is like eternity beneath her fingers.

 

She bends and twists and shudders as Erin enters her.

 

Erin kisses a map down her body, over every scar and freckle, her teeth and tongue marking the territory as her own.

 

When Jillian comes, Erin can feel it in her _bones_.

 

It's silent but **heavy** , and their hearts beat in sync through their skin as they move together.

 

 

-

 

 

“Do you think it's like this for everyone? Everyone in love.”

 

“No. I don't think the universe could stand it.”

 

“Why us?”

 

“I don’t know. Everything seeks equilibrium. Doesn't it feel like we suffered enough?”

 

“Yes."

 

_A breath._

 

"It does.”

 

 

-

 

 

“I love you.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Forever?”

 

“Yes. And even after that.”

 

 

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there we are, I promised you a happy ending didn't I?
> 
> Honestly though, I hope you all enjoyed. Thank you again for all the beautiful comments thus far. I'd absolutely love it if you want to drop in and let me know what you thought of the final piece. 
> 
> Until next time ;)


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